Wife Decides to Become a Hooker

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

‘Just where the heck do you think you’re going!’, said the man.

‘I’m going to Las Vegas’, said the wife, ‘I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!

‘The man said, ‘Wait a minute!’, and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

‘Where the heck are you going?’, said the wife.

The man said, ‘I want to see how you’re gonna live on just $800 a year!’

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Biker Needs to Pick Up Tampons

A biker walks into a convenience at about 2:30 in the morning. He walks up to the cashier and asks “Where are your tampons?”

The clerk tells him, “Right down on aisle three, on the end to the left.”

The biker disappears down the aisle and finally, about 45 minutes later, he returns carrying toilet paper and cotton balls.

The cashier starts to ring him up and says, “You know, I know it’s none of my business, but I thought you were here for tampons.”

The biker tells her, “Well, last week I sent my ol’ lady out for smokes and she comes back with zig zags and tobacco. By God she can roll her own, too!”

Guess What Happened Next?

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Pope Benedict Wants to Drive

After getting all of Pope Benedict’s luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn’t travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

“Excuse me, Your Holiness,” says the driver,” Would you please take your seat so we can leave?”

“Well, to tell you the truth,” says the Pope, “they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a Cardinal, and I’d really like to drive Today.”

“I’m sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I’d lose my job! And what if something should happen?” protests the driver, wishing he’d never gone to work that morning.

“Who’s going to tell? Besides, there might be something extra in it for you,” says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 Mph. (Remember, he’s German.)

“Please slow down, Your Holiness!” pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. “Oh, dear God, I’m gonna lose my license — and my job!” moans the Driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

“I need to talk to the Chief,” he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo Going a hundred and five.

“So bust him,” says the Chief.

“I don’t think we want to do that, he’s really big,” said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, “All the more reason!”

“No, I mean really important,” said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, “Who ya got there, the Mayor?”

Cop: “Bigger.”

Chief: “The Governor?”

Cop: “Bigger.”

Chief: “The President?”

Cop: “Bigger.”

“Well,” said the Chief, “Who is it?”

Cop: “I think it’s God!”

The Chief is stumped, “You been drinking, John?”

Cop: “No Sir.”

Chief: “Then what makes you think it’s God?”

Cop: “He’s got the Pope as a chauffeur….”

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Great New Weight Loss Plan

A friend of ours, a nurse at the local hospital, mentioned her disgust with all the failures she’s seen with people trying the Atkins Diet, Jenny Craig Plan, Weight Watchers Program and last but not least (expensive!), the South Beach Diet.

The horror stories and heartbreaks she has seen over the years caused her to research dieting (properly) and after about two months of diligent study, she ran across an Ancient diet plan that NEVER fails.

She translated the name for us as follows: “Dawn-Key” Diet. She also said anyone, no matter what age, race, or body type can do it….

Ready for it?

Are ya’ sure you’re ready for it?

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Truck Driver Orders Breakfast

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his Order. He said, “I want three flat tires, a pair of Headlights and a pair of running boards.”

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear Stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook,

“This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a Pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What Does he think this place is — an auto parts store?”

“No,” the cook said. “Three flat tires mean three Pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side Up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon.”

“Oh, OK!” said the blonde. She thought about it for a Moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it To the customer.

The trucker asked, “What are the beans for, Blondie?”

She replied, “I thought while you were waiting for the Flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!

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Old Lady Wants to Join a Biker Gang

A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club.

One day she goes up and knocks on the club’s door. A big, hairy, bearded biker guy with tattoos all over his arms answers the door.

She proclaims, “I want to join your club.”

The biker was amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks, “Do you have a motorcycle?”

The little old lady replies, “Yep… my bike’s parked over there”, and points to a Harley in the driveway.

The biker asks, “Do you drink?”

The little old lady replies “Yep… drink like a fish. I’ll drink any man in your club under the table.”

The biker asks, “Do you smoke?”

The little old lady replies, “Yep… smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs a day and a couple of cigars in the evening when I’m shooting pool.”

The biker is very impressed and asks, “Last Question. Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?”

The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, “Nope… but I was swung around by the nipples once.”

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Hillbilly Wife Has Her Babies

Deep in the back woods, of Letcher County, Kentucky, a hillbilly’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, “Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!.”

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. “Whoa there”, said the doctor, “Don’t be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think theres another one coming.”

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. “Hold that lantern up, don’t set it down there’s another one!” Said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby “No, don’t be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems theres yet another one coming!” cried the doctor.

The Hillbilly scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, . .. . . .

“You reckon it might be the light that’s attractin’ ‘em?”

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The Boss’ Zipper is Down

THE BOSS WALKED INTO THE OFFICE ONE MORNING NOT KNOWING THAT HIS ZIPPER WAS DOWN AND HIS FLY AREA WAS WIDE OPEN.

HIS SECRETARY WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID “BOSS, THIS MORNING WHEN YOU LEFT YOUR HOUSE, DID YOU CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR?”

THIS WAS NOT A PHRASE THAT HER BOSS UNDERSTOOD, SO HE WENT INTO HIS OFFICE LOOKING A BIT PUZZLED.

WHEN HE WAS ABOUT DONE WITH HIS PAPERWORK HE SUDDENLY NOTICED THAT HIS ZIPPER WAS DOWN. HE ZIPPED UP AND REMEMBERING WHAT HIS SECRETARY HAD TOLD HIM EARLIER, HE FINALLY UNDERSTOOD. HE INTENTIONALLY WENT OUT TO ASK FOR A CUP OF COFFEE FROM HIS SECRETARY.

HAVING MORE EGO THAN SENSE, HE WALKED TO HER DESK, SMIRKED AND ASKED HER, “WHEN YOU SAW THE GARAGE DOOR OPEN DID YOU SEE MY HUMMER PARKED IN THERE?”

THE SECRETARY SMILED FOR A MOMENT AND SAID, “NO BOSS, I DIDN’T. ALL I SAW WAS A MINI COOPER WITH 2 FLAT TIRES.”

Geography of Men and Women Explained

FEMALE GEOGRAPHY

- Between 18 and 20, a woman is like Afrca : wild, naturally beautiful and full of mysterious, fertile deltas.

- Between 21 and 30, a woman is like America : well-developed and open for trade, especially for those with stacks of money.

- Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India : sensual, relaxed, in full bloom, aware of her beauty.

- Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France : deliciously mature, still a pleasant destination to visit.

- Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Yugoslavia : a lost war, haunted by the mistakes of the past. Major reconstruction work is the only answer.

- Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Russia : vast, with undefined frontier. The cold climate puts off any potential visitors.

- Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia : a glorious past, great conquests, but without a future.

- After 70, a woman is like Afghanistan : many know its whereabouts, but no-one dares to venture there…

MALE GEOGRAPHY

- Between 15 and 70, a man is like the USA : ruled by a dick…

“Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.”

– Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady — and you didn’t think Barbara had a sense of humor)

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15 Truths About Women

1. We know what you’re doing when you put your hand in your pocket.

2. If you’re funny, we will sleep with you.

3. If, while driving, you check yourself out in the rearview more that you check us out, we will never get into another car with you.

4. When you see a woman chewing gum, she is counting. Next time you see a woman chewing gum, ask her what number she’s up to.

5. It’s sexy when you cook for us. Unless you’re wearing an apron, then it’s just weird.

6. It’s the circumference stupid! The numerical measurement of the bra has nothing to do with the size of our boobs.

7. Never take credit for something we did. Unless that something is farting, we’ll never raise our hands on that one.

8. The fact that you hesitate before using our razor because it’s pink and might make you look gay is equal parts cute and pathetic.

9. It’s not our period that’s making us moody, it’s you.

10. If you ask a woman to spend the night and she says no, accept it. Don’t try to convince her by offering her breakfast. Any woman that is swayed by the prospect of an omlette probably isn’t a keeper.

11. We order our salad dressing on the side because we are control freaks. We can’t control you, so we control lettuce.

12. We do not like it when you pound on the bathroom door and say “is everything ok in there?” Trust us, you do not want to know what’s going on in there.

13. PMS is real. It’s chemical and it sucks. If someone told you that you would be repeatedly kicked in the balls every thirty days, you’d probably get moody around day twenty-six too.

14. Women have a sixth sense, like Santa Claus, we know if you’ve been bad or good. So you know what to do….. for goodness sake.

15. Fast dancing with you is like watching a stray dog trot down the interstate. We pray for a miracle but know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that a horrific tragedy is about to occur. That is why we prefer fast dancing with our girlfriends. It has nothing to do with secret lesbian desires.